Brrrr....

This has been a record-setting cold start to winter. We had temps that dropped to -15 and wind chills that dipped below -35 at the beginning of January!! Now we are back to -1 this morning. And of course our fuel tank ran empty last night. We woke up to 55 degrees in the house. Four of us have head colds, tim might be dealing w the start of pneumonia, so it's the perfect time to run out of heat!! 

We just haven't had the money to fill it let alone pay our bills lately. The last 6 months have been wicked financially. God has for sure provided in so many big ways and we are so grateful for His care. I'm just incredibly worn out. Tired of short checks, tired of trying to stretch $11 over two weeks. Tired of negative balances. Tired of bills stacking up that simply can't be paid over getting food and gas for the car. 

I understand God has us here in Ashland for a purpose but how long do you hang on when your finances are crumbling at a rapid pace? When the church still can't afford to pay you more than part time after 4 yrs?? When the last of our support will run out in 5 months? Our children have been on state medical care did 4 yrs because we can't afford health insurance for the whole family. We already pay $750/mo for tim and I to have a ridiculously limited policy. I don't know if we can afford to keep paying for that!! We 'make too much' to qualify for tim and I to get state insurance. That doesn't bother me so much because I seriously don't want to be on state health care any more than we absolutely need to be. We had to be on food stamps for our first 2 yrs here. I never want to do that again. 

I'm complaining. I know. There are so many things to be incredibly grateful for and Lord, I need you to refocus my heart on what really matters! I've been feeling so dry and empty spiritually and I can't put my finger on the cause. I'm struggling to stay consistent with reading daily and praying. I feel like I talk to God every day but it might actually just be help calls during the week. I desperately need Jesus to fill my spirit. To remind me I'm His child and I'm not lost out here on my own! I know He is there. My needs are so small compared to Tommy's. He is battling cancer and just went through surgery to remove cancerous tumors on his kidney. Today is his first blood draw after the surgery to see where he stands with his cancer. He could die. We are all bathing him and his wife in prayer. They mean so much to tim and me!! We love them very much. 

So I'm done for now - praying for tommy. Praying for the fuel guy to come and for the money to cover the bill. Praying for warmth today for my babies.