Mothers Day 2014

How can it possibly be 14 yrs since my first Mother's Day?! We had a beautiful Sunday together - I woke up to this:

Sweet Claire made me breakfast in bed!! Fresh blueberry muffins, sweet strawberries and creamy fruit dip :) she's becoming such a good little cook. I'm so very thankful for my 5 darling kids!! I follow a lot of moms on Instagram and usually I like to post the good and the bad of living with a big family - I know a few other moms who simply choose to highlight only the good. I've chosen to show life as it happens, messy and unpredictable - funny and not so funny. It's not always fun reading other people's highlight reels, since it's much too easy to immediately compare all of their shining moments to your own less than stellar everyday ;) It takes much needed perspective to realize that you can't compete - you don't need to compete! God has given us moms the specific, humbling task of molding and shaping these tiny little ones in our care, into God-honoring, compassionate adults full of integrity and love. Who will, in turn, repeat the process hopefully, with their own little ones. This is the hardest most important job on the planet. Hands down. 

I'm in the trenches for sure, with my own 5 children ... homeschooling one, two little toddlers, and my two teenagers!! (Claire will hit 13 in aug!!) my brain feels on overload most days, patience is literally scraped out of a nearly empty container like peanut butter, and I desperately try to show compassion and understanding for the often very difficult emotional meltdowns of not only toddlers but my teens who are struggling to navigate through their own crazy emotional upset as they mature at THEIR OWN PACE!! :/ 

Then I see faces like this...

And this ...

and things instantly start looking up :) never a dull moment!!! Thanks Cameron, Claire, Caloway, Mac and Levi for making me your mommy!! I would have always chosen you anyway :)

march isn't messing around ...

So this has seriously been the hardest winter we've ever endured. It's been the longest, the coldest and the most expensive winter in ohio for us. March rolled in, and we breathed a timid sigh of relief ... which quickly turned to an expected eye roll, and another hunkering down as the cold and snow rolled out another encore. Our heating costs have skyrocketed, I think we've spent close to $2,500 so far in fuel oil!! We filled the tank in late January, which was 1,000, and it's completely empty. Of course it empties the week we get another arctic blast, full of blizzard snow and sub-zero temperatures. We got teased on Tuesday, with gorgeous sunshine and 70 degrees all day! It was the first time all of us had gotten outside to play in 3 months. Less than 24 hours later, we plunged 65 degrees colder. I say all that not to be a boring forecaster, but to explain the deep mental funk most of us are experiencing- not just wishing we could go outside, but a depression that encompasses work, church and family. We all want a break - we all NEED a break from this winter prison ...

blah blah blah ... this is ultimately the redemption :) we needed fuel oil. The tank was empty. We had space heaters that keep our bedrooms warm but with the temps dropping again as fast as they were, we knew we were going to need at least a partial fill. We didn't know where the $$ would come from. So we waited. And shivered a little, while stoking a fire in the fireplace and adding another layer for warmth. The house stayed steady at 65. While I was preparing dinner, my phone rang. It was Claire's friends mom, Libby. She asks point blank: so I hear that you're cold!! Do you need some heat??

what. How did she know??? I laughed a little and said we were doing fine, and she persisted a little more, saying that she and her husband were more than willing to help us if we needed it. And through my protests, and weak assurances, I overwhelmingly felt the Lord pushing me, to humbly admit, 'yes. We do need help.' Her husband was at our door in less than 30 mn with $400 in cash to give to our oil company. 

Who does this happen to?! How does God whisper in someone's ear a specific, direct need, and they're wise and compassionate and generous enough to immediately move on that nudge, first of all, are spiritually mature enough to have HEARD it in the first place, and secondly to act without thinking! Without fear of scarcity in their own life, or lack of provision in their own family. 

Doesn't this make you wonder how many times you've been God-nudged, you've been whispered to, yet because of our incredible obsession with self, and our ridiculous busyness, we've blocked out that still small voice that quietly urges us to bless. Calmly calls us to leave self behind and put others in our field of vision and finances. 

I honestly believe God did this, not just to give us heat, which WAS important, we have littles in the house .... but to outrageously enlarge my heart to trust Him with our own generosity. To open my ears to hear His gentle nudges when He wants us to bless out of our own scarcity. And fully know, believe and rest in the promise that He is our portion. He is our ultimate giver of all things. 

I want to write all these things down for my own children to read someday, perhaps when they're facing a financial giant of a deficit, or any other cliff they're hanging onto with clenched toes and fingers, to encourage them that God HEARS them! He knows what they're struggling with, without them uttering a word to anyone else!! And He will provide. He will come through. He will use His people, who are tuned to His word and His voice - and if we humble ourselves, we can say with trembling sincerity, 'yes. I do need help. Thank you - thank you.' And know that it wasn't the human vessel that provided, but the awesomely powerful Creator of the Universe who stooped down to touch His child with love, and stuffed that coveted quarter in the grimy pocket of His little one, who threw their arms around their Daddy, roughly dashed a hand at their tears, and skipped off to go play with their friends. All is well. 

Smoothies and snuggles

Levi loves smoothies!! He's the only one who does, haha! So mommy mixes up pineapple mango, strawberry banana and berry oatmeal smoothies for me and my guy. 

I want to soak up these days with chubby little baby toes still curling with pleasure when he cuddles next to my heart!! I'm currently snuggled with Levi in his chair, his sippy cup cold against my chest, eyes finally drooped shut in sleep. Softly kissing his forehead. Brushing back his silky hair. Stroking his tiny feet encased in socks ;) 

I don't want this to ever end!! Sigh :)

Brrrr....

This has been a record-setting cold start to winter. We had temps that dropped to -15 and wind chills that dipped below -35 at the beginning of January!! Now we are back to -1 this morning. And of course our fuel tank ran empty last night. We woke up to 55 degrees in the house. Four of us have head colds, tim might be dealing w the start of pneumonia, so it's the perfect time to run out of heat!! 

We just haven't had the money to fill it let alone pay our bills lately. The last 6 months have been wicked financially. God has for sure provided in so many big ways and we are so grateful for His care. I'm just incredibly worn out. Tired of short checks, tired of trying to stretch $11 over two weeks. Tired of negative balances. Tired of bills stacking up that simply can't be paid over getting food and gas for the car. 

I understand God has us here in Ashland for a purpose but how long do you hang on when your finances are crumbling at a rapid pace? When the church still can't afford to pay you more than part time after 4 yrs?? When the last of our support will run out in 5 months? Our children have been on state medical care did 4 yrs because we can't afford health insurance for the whole family. We already pay $750/mo for tim and I to have a ridiculously limited policy. I don't know if we can afford to keep paying for that!! We 'make too much' to qualify for tim and I to get state insurance. That doesn't bother me so much because I seriously don't want to be on state health care any more than we absolutely need to be. We had to be on food stamps for our first 2 yrs here. I never want to do that again. 

I'm complaining. I know. There are so many things to be incredibly grateful for and Lord, I need you to refocus my heart on what really matters! I've been feeling so dry and empty spiritually and I can't put my finger on the cause. I'm struggling to stay consistent with reading daily and praying. I feel like I talk to God every day but it might actually just be help calls during the week. I desperately need Jesus to fill my spirit. To remind me I'm His child and I'm not lost out here on my own! I know He is there. My needs are so small compared to Tommy's. He is battling cancer and just went through surgery to remove cancerous tumors on his kidney. Today is his first blood draw after the surgery to see where he stands with his cancer. He could die. We are all bathing him and his wife in prayer. They mean so much to tim and me!! We love them very much. 

So I'm done for now - praying for tommy. Praying for the fuel guy to come and for the money to cover the bill. Praying for warmth today for my babies. 

Little minions.

Ohh the joys of homeschooling with two toddlers running afoot. It's certainly been an adventure this time around, trying to teach math and language while two littles terrorize the house. I was doing math facts with Caloway on Friday, satisfied that Mac and Levi's little blonde heads were within eyeshot. Unfortunately, what I could NOT see was what was in their HANDS. 

This is what happened. 

Yep. Red paint. And this was after I mopped the floor. And after cal dragged a red-paint-slathered Levi upstairs to the bath. I literally had to wipe paint out of Levi's ears. His head, face, hands and feet were covered with slimy paint. It was not picture worthy, let me tell you!! And the carpet? Well, I'm not even attempting to try to swab that out. It's just not worth the enormous time and effort it would take to even try. Let me take a moment to explain why I have no energy left to try and clean that carpet ....

1. An entire gallon of milk was dumped onto the carpet (macky)

2. Two dozen eggs were cracked and broken onto the carpet (macky)

3. Mistakenly assumed a paper bag was appropriate to use while cleaning ashes out of fireplace. Half-dollar size burn holes resulted. (mommy)

4. Baking soda used for previously mentioned spilled milk left white spots on carpet. 

5. Homemade play dough ground into carpet (mommy made it. macky and levi took it out of kitchen)

6. Homemade flubber (cal's science experiment) dried and glued to carpet (macky)

So you can see where the line has been drawn ;) but seriously - do we replace it with more carpet?! Concrete floors? I'm at a bit of a loss.  

Christmas 2013

Tim and I just celebrated our 16th Christmas together married. What?? Where has the last 15 yrs gone? How is our oldest 14 yrs old? I'm beginning to feel the whirlwind of life that older people speak about. Blink. Another month has passed. Sigh. Another year gone. Nod. Your diaper-clad toddler is now graduating from 8th grade. 2013 seems to have literally flown in and out in the breadth of a day. It has been a interesting year to be sure. 

Our family has seen many changes, some big, some small, some that seemed insignificant but ended up leaving a large dent. March was a difficult month health wise, we had sick kids the entire month, and it ended w momma getting sick for a whole week. Just awful. We missed Easter for the first time, battling a horrible stomach bug that just refused to leave. Caloway went to the ER twice, he was so dehydrated. April came and brought a respite from illness, thankfully. In May, Cameron was blessed with a scholarship to go on his class trip to Philadelphia. This was his first big trip away from home - he had so much fun!! Had $39 to spend and came home with some interesting souvenirs ha! I missed him so. 

Our summer swept in the wettest, coldest weather we've ever seen! We barely squeezed in one trip to the pool, and even that ended up getting rained out ;) July boasted one full week of 90+ degrees and sweltering sunshine, during which we made full use of the splash park every day. Then the rain returned as well as the cool temps. Sigh. Caloway has repeatedly said, 'this was the worst summer EVER!!!'

My precious Opa passed away on July 15, at the ripe age of 96. He finally was released from his tired shell and ushered into the warm, healing presence of his Savior Jesus. Oma was waiting for him with open arms!! Tim celebrated his 36th birthday on the same day. Our little baby boy had his first birthday on July 25- how has my Levi been with us for a whole year already?! It seems like I was just holding his tiny little head in my hands and marveling at his sweet newborn wrinkles. Excuse me while I go bawl my eyes out. 

We made an impromptu road trip to Minnesota at the end of July to spend a few days with Suzie and her family in their brand new home. What was I thinking bringing 5 crazy kiddos to a newly constructed home ... Haha!! Macky did christen a wall with sharpie. Thank GOD for magic erasers. The kids had the time of their life on the farm, running on haybales and catching tadpoles in the pond. Of course we stopped in Chicago on the way home and gorged on Garrett's popcorn!!

August graciously ushered in sunshine after the first two weeks rained us out again. Claire celebrated her 12th birthday - how is my baby girl almost a teenager?! She is everything tween these days - full of girly enthusiasm over makeup, cute shoes and the cute boys of One Direction. She started cheerleading this fall and has become an amazing cheerleader!! She surprised and impressed me with her courage and tenacity in learning something completely new and challenging :) she's an amazing girl. 

Caloway turned 9 on the 17th, and had a perfectly boy MineCraft party in the backyard. I don't know why I bothered planning games, all those boys did was tear around the backyard with nerf axes and beat each other up!! 

School started and Caloway started his third grade year homeschooling with mama. He has seriously been a trip to have at home :) Claire officially entered middle school, and her 6th grade classes now co-exist with big brother. Cameron is in 8th grade and not too pleased some days to be sharing territory with his sister. I really wish Cameron could find a buddy to connect with, but it just hasn't happened yet. He is playing basketball again for the second yr, and likes it most days :) Claire gets to cheer for all his home games! 

The worry and fear over your children to be happy and well adjusted can be overwhelming sometimes. Our move to ashland proved to be such a dichotomy for our kids. Claire has flourished and made some deep friendships while Cameron has experienced a dry spell in that area. I'm not sure why, and my heart hurts that he hasn't found acceptance the way Claire has so easily. I pray daily for a Godly mentor and friend for my precious son. 

October came, and our sweet little Mac celebrated his golden birthday - 3 yrs old on the 3rd! When he went to his well child checkup, we found out he was 33 lbs, and 3.3" tall. Ha!! 3 must be his lucky number :) 

Early fall and winter brought many financial challenges for our family - we've been stretched to so many points in our ministry here. Emotionally. Spiritually. Financially. We've dealt with multiple stomach bugs and fevers for the last couple months, and tim ended up with the worst stomach bug he's ever had in early December. It really took a toll on him, I've never seen him so sick. I am desperately praying for a season of health for us. 

November came, and although we had made plans to spend thanksgiving in Minnesota with my family, Mac and Tim both ended up coming down with a virus, and we were forced to stay home. Cameron celebrated his 14th birthday on the 29. How has my little boy become a man-child overnight?? He is taller than me now, 5'8, and wears the same shoe size as daddy. His voice has deepened and he is in that crazy stage between childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. He is trying hard to navigate through these brand new feelings and emotions, my heart goes out to him. These will be interesting years with our boys ;)

So in all honesty - not the best of years this time around. Anxiously (?) awaiting the arrival of 2014 and what it will prove to unfold for our clan of 7. Praying for God's continued strength and provision that He has ALWAYS so graciously and lovingly provided on every tenuous step of this past yr. I am increasingly and overwhelmingly thankful for the sweet loves I hold in my arms every single day. Cameron, Claire, Caloway, Mac and Levi. And my ever faithful, always loving husband Tim. Where would any of us be without the love of our Father and that darling man!!! Tough year? Yes. God-given scars? Yes. Grace, humility, self-denial, increasing generosity and tenderness of spirit have been our teachers. I pray we've been good students ❤️

Golden 3

Our sweet precious little macky turned 3 years old on the 3rd! Where has time gone. This guy ... is our pride and joy. He is every bit as mischievous and charming as Cameron was, but with his own golden floppy haired spin! He loves loves loves thomas the train. He breathes Percy, Arthur, Skarloey and Diesel. I love watching him line up all his engines like trophies, his chubby little finger resting on each little gray face, reciting their names. He sneaks in my room to grab my iPad, and watches videos of little kids lining up their own Thomas trains and making up voices and stories (he is well monitored while watching kid-safe channels). He loves to sing 'gone fishin', which was Cameron's favorite song too :)

Things I want to remember about Mac being 3??

fluffy blonde curls

Impish little eyes when trying to grab my phone 

Blue and green crocs

Shorts and undies lying in the bathroom, half naked macky running around outside 

'Go this way, mom? Go to church??'

Hot dogs 

Broken eggs in the kitchen

Sharpie on the walls

Sharpie on the couch

Sharpie on his shirts

Chair in kitchen shoved up against counter

Stool in kitchen shoved up against counter 

Blue and white blankie

Monkey 

Thomas trains!!!

Rabbi 

Empty gum wrappers 

'I hold you??' 

'Will you scratch my back on my belly??'

'Mommm!!' throwing head back

Sooo many sweet, precious things to remember about Mac being 3 :) how I love him.